am I, only watcher and sometime wanderer. I’ve never been much good at kicking the doors open, though I learned long ago that the cavalry is delayed, indefinitely. Living is waiting, or action, the world being under no obligation to lay out its ways and wares before you. The world only keeps rolling away from you, going about its business streaking through nothingness. Things come of things tried, new in shape and unexpected. And you have to try ten things to chance that one will spark the kindling and send out a first, hesitant flame to light your snow hole. Of all the accounts I’ve read of soldiers waiting alone along a winter line – and I’ve read a few – most end with the ragged defender coming to understand that the officer won’t be along after all, that he’s going to freeze solid long before dawn and that’s only if a snake-silent raiding party doesn’t reach him first. Then he moves, seeking out the Turbin’s fuggy rooms and the sharp crackle in his toes as life springs back into them before the hissing samovar. Or flagging down a Huey. Pelting along a communication trench to the artillery station. Swimming out to a MTB, the last ship off the beach. And if he doesn’t move…well, those are the short, hard stories that go unheard and uncelebrated. The sun finds a figure quiet and still, no part left to play in the planetary marble roll. Would anyone read a book of tales where the hero decided to wait, no action, no bold deed? I guess you could argue that’s bold too in its way. But it’s not Beowulf, is it? He heard talk of a monster, climbed into his ship and set sail to meet it. Always eager. You don’t see Nelson waiting at anchor, holding back the fleet. We have more modest choices in our day to day, but it’s still wait or do, strive or sofa. It’s a restless journey a life of trying, and only when you stretch out your old bones by the great hall hearth can you sift and weigh the memories. Until then you keep moving, riding your unlucky tram to never-seen corners and crossways. Roll on with your smile reflected in the window glass.
